The Introduction.

I've always wanted to have a blog, but I just haven't ever allowed myself the time to write it. Now that Alec has been working late so frequently, I seem to have more and more nights after 11pm when I am on the internet for various wedding/teaching/singing/running related things, so I figure, why not?

As all of you know, I am getting married. I am SO excited to continue moving forward in my relationship with Alec, and I have been working very hard to plan a wedding that will reflect not only us as a couple, but also each of us as individuals. I suppose around the 3rd month of wedding planning I realized just how insane I am to take on the majority of the responsibilities for myself. That is when I reached out to Alec and my family to help. Fortunately, we (I sincerely mean WE) have come very far with our planning, and we are ahead of schedule. Who's schedule exactly? The "wedding magazine" and "self-help wedding planner" and "internet's" schedule? Bob's schedule? I dunno...just "the schedule." So, as we are moving closer into the last few months, I've decided to go completely insane and sign up to do a marathon with my aunt.  

To start of my journey of losing 87+ pounds, I have to give you the whole story. Even though many of you already know all of this about me, it never hurts to share life with each other.

I have always, always, ALWAYS, hated my body. Even when I was in elementary school, I knew that I was going to be bigger than everyone else. I have very distinct memories from my childhood of people saying things to me to confirm these feelings. I know now that they were wrong in doing so, but nevertheless, the memories remain.

When I was in elementary school, I remember my "friends" making fun of me when I wore leggings and a tunic (God bless the 80's), because my butt stuck out more than anyone elses would. I remember not being picked in every single gym class because I was fat, and they automatically assumed that I was out of shape.
I remember playing on swing sets and making the swings creak when they didn't creak with my friends on them. I remember breaking things by jumping on them that did not break when my friends jumped on them.

When I was in middle school it, naturally, got much worse. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin that I wore ace bandages around my stomach, and avoided talking to as many people as I could. I was called "pig," "lesbian," "fatty," and many other hurtful names. I would avoid gym class by going to the guidance counselor because I didn't want to have to deal with the humiliation of changing in the locker room or being rejected from the team. I remember a few distinct situations with authority figures that stuck with me from this time period.
1. A lady that went to the pool with my family told me "you're never going to get a boyfriend with a body like that."
2. A lady that went school shopping with my Mom, sister, and I said "man, you're a size 13, I am a size 13 and I'm 40!"
3. My fraternal grandmother (whom I did not really ever see after this occasion) looked at me after not seeing me for about 8 years and said to my parents "She has really gotten fat."

By the time I got to eighth grade, I wanted to completely give up. The only solace I found was in music. I immersed myself in playing violin and listening to grunge with the volume all the way up and drowned the entire world out.

In high school, I thought things got better. I focused on growing as a musician and the goal of getting into college. I learned to bottle up my emotions about my weight and focus them in another direction. However, the hurtful comments and feelings continued. I was a dancer and my body was the #1 focus while in dance class. It became impossible to avoid that I was so overweight. There were times that I threw up food to lose weight so I would be a more attractive dancer, there were days where I would only eat a peach and drink 3 liters of water to keep myself full. I was diagnosed at 14 with Hashimoto's disease, or Hypothyroidism, which causes slow metabolism and weight gain. I thought "this explains everything, now I can be fixed with medicine." But it only helped me to lose about 5 pounds.

There was one instance when I went to the doctor after feeling like I wanted to end my life, and he told me "I think you just need to lose weight. Have you ever gone to a gym? Maybe that will make you feel better." I mean, I was FULL OUT asking this guy for mental help and his response was, "you're fat". It's really unbelievable how completely ignorant adults can be because they think that kids are resilient, and that maybe give them a hint about how fat they are will help them in some way. WRONG. So wrong.

Anyway, at the point of graduation I was a definite size 16+. I remember going prom dress shopping at JC Penney and praying that I would fit into that size 16, because after that you are plus sized, and those dresses just never seem to look the same. I also know that at that point I was around 195 lbs. Then came college.

I was miserable in college. I wanted to get away from my life in Maryland, so I chose to go to the school that was the furthest away of all of the ones that I applied to. I landed in Indiana. Good old Indiana...so so so different from the east coast. So secluded from the culture that I was used to. SO DEEP FRIED EVERYTHING.

College for me basically equalled the pits of despair for health. I drank, partied all night, worked my butt off stressing in class all day, ate only fried foods (that's really the only edible food that they had), and sat around my dorm room on the internet (it was new and exciting at that point). I gained the freshman 40+ the sophomore/junior/senior 10. (There was a point during junior year that I became anorexic because of all of the emotional stress that I had. I hated myself and my life, so I just decided to stop eating. I thank God everyday for the close friends that I had that forced me to eat the day that I almost passed out). After that, I just kept gaining weight and never went back. When I left Valpo, I was a size 20.

After Valpo, I got a desk job. BIG butt killer there. I gained more weight and got even less exercise than in college. By the time that I got to Peabody, I weighed around 270 pounds. I was told while attending school there that I was too fat to be cast in any operas. (Yet, I managed to get cast in several?). I actually was called in to sit down with the opera director so that he could ask me to lose weight. As a response, I completely withdrew from the mainstage opera department and focused entirely on early music...where I felt accepted, and comfortable. Looking back, I should have made more people aware of that interaction while I was there. I do understand that casting is at the sole discretion of the director, but I am 100% sure that it does not give them permission to belittle students, or make them feel unwelcomed.

I swear the story is almost done.

I met Alec, the most wonderful and supportive man anyone could ever ask for, my second year at Peabody. When I met him I was at the point in my life where I was getting tired of feeling, well, tired all the time. Of not being able to walk upstairs, uphill or even downhill, without getting tired. I was also told by my doctor that I was at high risk for developing diabetes. So, that summer of '07, I began to run. I mapped a course out in my neighborhood and eventually worked up to 3.5-4 mile increments. I felt great. A slight problem occurred however....I fell in love.

So, after about 4 months of working out and getting down to a size 18, it just all stopped mattering to me. All I cared about was seeing Alec, and finishing school. At some point between 2007-2009, I just completely stopped caring about my health. I did notice that I had reflux, which impeded on my singing, but I attributed it to bad genes. I also noticed that I had horrible anxiety, but I attributed that to my high stress career choice. In August of 2009, I weighed myself at Alec's parents home and I was 280 pounds. A size 22. At that point in time, I decided that it all had to change.

In October, I joined a gym. I have never looked back. I started to work out everyday that I could...6 days a week. I noticed that I was feeling more in shape, but I just wasn't losing any weight. In January 2010, I went to the doctor and got weighed and saw that I had only lost 4 pounds in 3 months. I decided to evaluate my diet completely. I also noticed that I was having severe stomach pains (not reflux) after eating a big meal. So, in January 2010, I completely shifted my diet. Luckily, I changed it just in time, because it was then that I realized that I have gal bladder disease. Thankfully, I had become mindful of my eating before it came to the point of emergency surgery.

After those first 20 pounds were lost, I felt great!! I remember sitting at Bertucci's with the whole family and telling Aunt Janet about it, and she made everyone stop talking and told the whole table. It was such an incredible feeling. I felt that I had so much support from everyone, and it made me reassured that I was moving in a good direction.

Around my first 50 lbs of weight loss, I started to run at faster speeds and to feel a draw to the treadmill. I remember my trainer would try to get me to use other equipment, but I just kept going back to running. It is such an incredible feeling, because I know that my body is really working hard. In November of 2010, Aunt Janet and Laura both approached me about doing runs with them. I was SO EXCITED by the thought that I could actually run and keep up with two amazing women!

In December 2010, I reached the "less than 200 lbs point" and my total weight loss so far is at 87 pounds and counting. In January 2011, Aunt Janet asked me if I would be interested in running a half marathon with her...and this is finally, where our daily blogging begins :)

 Oh and p.s.- I am currently down to a size 14. 1 size away from my middle school waist line.